Three Useful Steps for Dealing With Breakup and Loss


At some point in each of our lives we'll have to deal with breakup and loss.  As Kali reminds us, it's a natural part of the cycles of life.  Having a healthy approach to this reoccurring part of our life's journey can help us move on more quickly and in more healthy and powerful ways.  Here are a few things to keep in mind and a few keys to dealing with breakup and loss in a healthy and positive way:

 Step 1) Forgive yourself and let go of thoughts and emotions that do not serve you.

Examine your guilt and set it down. Hanging on to guilt will do nothing but prolong your process. Guilt is, in my opinion, only useful for one thing: to push us to learn what we actually did wrong. Once you find your lessons, do your darn best to really learn from them and consider those lessons (along with the love that you shared together and the love that you gave) the biggest gifts of the relationship. Be thankful for what you’ve gained and then set the guilt down for good.

Same goes with shame. While guilt eats at you from within, shame hits you from the outside. It comes from your detractors and from social and cultural stuff around failure. Don’t consider your ended relationship a failure and don’t let anyone tell you that it was. It wasn’t. You are living your life and making your choices. Some won’t work out the way you hoped or wanted but that doesn’t mean that you were wrong or that you failed…as long as you learn and grow. Don’t let anyone shame you for your choices in love.

Hand-in-hand, the blanket of guilt & shame can be really heavy. It feels horrible and, once lessons are learned, will do nothing but make you feel bad. Drop the blanket of guilt & shame and move forward.

Step 2) Practice embodiment.

Feel your way through this process by tapping in to your body, realizing that you do have the power to make positive changes.

Tapping in to your body will help you understand exactly how you’re doing in this process of recovery and will help you establish a really strong connection between what you’re thinking and how you actually feel. Raising your consciousness around this connection will help you to control your thoughts and, once you have your strategies down, make positive choices and positive changes.

For example: if you’re holding on to anger and aggression, you’ll often feel these in your entire body. Establishing a good practice for deep breathing, for slowing your pulse and for exorcising anger and aggression will help you process them and will help you realize that they actually don’t feel good at all…which is a huge step in choosing to let those things go. In my experience, harboring anger and aggression doesn’t help me move forward.

And recognize that along with the social changes that take place when a relationship ends comes the loss of a major catalyst for those neurochemicals in your brain that make you feel so so good. I think people forget sometimes that changes in life lead to changes in your brain…which have a major impact on your body. Without the loving relationship, physical intimacy and sex you no longer have a consistent catalyst for the release of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endocannabinoids and GABA. It’s a battle that we often don’t realize we’re fighting. But the thing is: you do have the power to catalyze a lot of these neurochemicals on your own (or with new relationship, once you're ready for that again).

I really discourage the use of drugs and alcohol- as these will temporarily stimulate neurochemical release but will leave your brain and body depleted. Incorporate exercise (or more exercise) into your daily routine or, if you’re already on a consistent routine, change it up! Shock your body. Do something different. Exercise more, take a different class or get outside instead of staying in the gym. Force that bad/down/defeated energy out of your body through exercise. Get your blood moving, get your pulse up and make yourself breathe deeply. Speed up your body and feel alive! There are side benefits too; 1) you’ll sleep much better. Even if your head is turning lying in bed at night, your physical body will be exhausted and BAM- you’re down for the count. Sleeping well will help you recover. 2) You’ll be out and social. You’ll meet new people and help kick-start a new chapter of your life.

Eat well too. Exercising a lot will make you drop in to your body and will, undoubtedly, make you think more about the fuel you put in your body. Running on clean fuel feels great…and feeling great physically will help you feel great mentally. It’s a super healthy cycle that you completely have the power to set in motion on your own.

Step 3) Love yourself fully, completely, consistently and unconditionally.

Loving yourself is the key to happiness, so practice self-love often and practice it hard.

There are just so so many ways to love yourself. The two steps above are huge. Then there are all of the things that you love to do and that feel good; the things that bring you to complete and total presence in the moment and immense joy and pleasure. Could be cooking, dancing or working on some passion project, creating art- whatever. Make a great meal, hit the hot tub, go out somewhere fun, have <A> glass of wine (for sensual pleasure, not to get drunk). Really give yourself all of the love that you have to give. Giving love feels great and, though you lost a recipient when your relationship ended, you will always, always have yourself. Receiving also feels great and you no longer have another from whom to receive…but you actually hold that power too. Without guilt or shame, open up your body and your mind and just receive unconditional love and affection from yourself.

And as far as sex is concerned -and let’s not pretend that that’s not a huge part of dealing with a ‘lost’ relationship- an incredibly powerful practice of loving yourself is the cultivation your own sexual & orgasmic energy. Through the practice of self-cultivation you can create love for yourself and can/will feel empowered again. The huge key here is to learn to detach your sensual stimulation and your sexual energy from the goal of orgasmic release. Set a 15-minute timer if you want and find or create a super comfortable and safe space for yourself. Lock the door and make yourself a nest if you like and then just dive deep into sensual pleasure and positive self touch, cultivating your sexual energy. Let it run through your whole body and just enjoy feeling good for a while.


  1. Forgive yourself and let go of thoughts and emotions that do not serve you.
  2. Practice Embodiment.
  3. Love yourself fully, completely, consistently and unconditionally.

The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll ‘get over it’, the sooner you’ll be- and feel-happy again.

Sending you strength, blessings and love on your paths...

~High Priest of Red Temple~

💥 🌋 ❤️ 🌋 💥